FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
Even
though common sense and good discretion are always the best guides to
proper funeral etiquette, a few principles still apply.
It is a
common gesture for close friends of the bereaving family to visit the
family's home to offer sympathy and assistance - this is sometimes
referred to as a condolence visit. With the bereaving family having to
ensure that all the arrangements are looked after, a close friend(s)
may become very helpful with food preparation and childcare. The visit
can take place any time within the first few weeks of death, and may be
followed with one or more additional visits, depending on the
circumstances and your relationship with the family.
In addition
to expressing sympathy it is appropriate, if desired, to relate to
family members your fond memories of the deceased. In some cases family
members may simply want you to be a good listener to their expressions
of grief or memories of the deceased. In most circumstances it is not
appropriate to inquire as to the cause of death.
If you attend a
wake you should approach the family and express your sympathy. As with
the condolence visit it is appropriate to relate your memories of the
deceased. If you were only acquainted with the deceased (and not the
family) you should introduce yourself.
It is customary to show
your respects by viewing the deceased if the body is present and the
casket is open. You may wish to say a silent prayer for, or meditate
about, the deceased at this time. In some cases the family may escort
you to the casket.
The length of your visit at the wake is a
matter of discretion. After visiting with the family and viewing the
deceased you can visit with others in attendance. Normally there is a
register for visitors to sign.
As with other aspects of modern
day society funeral dress codes have relaxed somewhat. Black dress is
no longer required. Instead subdued or darker hues should be selected,
the more conservative the better. After the funeral the family often
receives invited visitors to their home for pleasant conversation and
refreshments.
You can send flowers to the funeral home prior to
the funeral, or to the family residence at any time. In some cases
flowers may also be sent to Protestant churches. (Flowers generally are
not sent to Jewish synagogues and Catholic churches.) Florists know
what is appropriate to send in the funeral context.
Gifts in
memory of the deceased are often made, particularly when the family has
requested gifts in lieu of flowers. The family is notified of the gifts
by personal note from the donor or through the donee, if the donee is a
charity or other organization. In the latter case the donor provides
the family's name and address to the charity at the time the gift is
made.
Even if you don't make a gift, a note or card to the
deceased's family expressing your thoughts of the deceased is a welcome
gesture, especially if you weren't able to attend the funeral.
FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
The
funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It
provides an opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the
loss to express their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life
that has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the
crisis the death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that
first step toward emotional adjustment to their loss. This information
has been prepared as a convenient reference for modern funeral
practices and customs.
THE FUNERAL SERVICE
The
family specifies the type of service conducted for the deceased.
Funeral directors are trained to assist families in arranging whatever
type of service they desire. The service held either at a place of
worship or at the funeral home with the deceased present, varies in
ritual according to denomination. The presence of friends at this time
is an acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is helpful to
friends and the community to have an obituary notice published
announcing the death and type of service to be held.
PRIVATE SERVICE
This service is by invitation only
and may be held at a place of worship, a funeral home or a family home.
Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral
service. Often public visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the
body is viewed.
MEMORIAL SERVICE
A memorial service is a service
without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures
according to the community and religious affiliations. Some families
prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service
with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.
PALLBEARERS
Friends,
relatives, church members or business associates may be asked to serve
as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers if
requested to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS
When the deceased has been
active in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be
appropriate for the family to request close associates of the deceased
to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.
EULOGY
A member of the family, clergy, a close
personal friend or a business associate of the deceased, may give a
eulogy. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and
commendation and reflect the life of the person who has died.
DRESS
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer
inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral
should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for
the family and the occasion.
FUNERAL PROCESSION / CORTEGE
When the funeral
ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends
and relatives might accompany the family to the cemetery. The
procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The
funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and
procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession.
CONDOLENCES
The
time of death is a very confusing time for family members. No matter
what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly
identify yourself to the family.
FLOWERS
Sending
a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to
the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and
beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can
either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the
residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a
person's continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist
places an identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral
home the cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the
family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent.
MASS CARDS
Mass
cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The
offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic
family. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been
arranged may be obtained from any Catholic parish. In some areas it is
possible to obtain Mass cards at the funeral home. The Mass offering
card or envelope is given to the family as an indication of
understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and
address is legible and that you list your postal code. This will make
it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.
MEMORIAL DONATIONS
A
memorial contribution, to a specific cause or charity, can be
appreciated as flowers. A large number of memorial funds are available,
however the family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations
provide financial support for various projects. If recognized as a
charitable institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes.
Your funeral director is familiar with them and can explain each
option, as well as furnish the donor with "In Memoriam" cards, which
are given to the family.
SYMPATHY CARDS
Sending
a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is
appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know they are in
good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with
your relationship to the family of the deceased.
PERSONAL NOTE
A
personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly
and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your
personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other
messages.
TELEPHONE CALL
Speaking
to a family member gives you an opportunity to offer your services and
make them feel you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent
loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be a
good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also
appropriate.
VISITATION
Your
presence at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died,
friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you
care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer
their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly
approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social
activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of
visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the
times when special services such as lodge services or prayer services
may be held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during
suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the
family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the
register book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John
Doe". If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their
affiliation, as the family may not be familiar with their relationship
to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgment on how
long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If
they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay.
When
the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in
dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are
still there. Keep in touch.
SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS
When
a person calls at the funeral home, clasping hands, an embrace, or a
simple statement of condolence can express sympathy, such as:
- "I'm sorry."
- "My sympathy to you."
- "It was good to know John."
- "John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
- "My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:
- "Thanks for coming."
- "John talked about you often."
- "I didn't realize so many people cared."
- "Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The family should acknowledge the
flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and
personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be
acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral
director may have available printed acknowledgement cards that can be
used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a
short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card
expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service
received. The note can be short, such as:
- "Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely.
- "The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
In
some communities it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the
newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.
CHILDREN AT FUNERALS
At a very early age, children
have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given
the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral
director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a
funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.
GRIEF RECOVERY
It is healthy to recognize death and
discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person
dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy
and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are
welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another.
Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate
available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.
